Hello Film Industry

photo from the Web 

As I've mentioned earlier , I'm taking the Audio Video Production subject for this semester . It is an interesting subject , okay I've talked about this too .

On my previous class , Mr.Faizul give a full 3 hours of lecture on script-writing . From A-Z . He taught us about the techniques , process and showed us the sample . Frankly speaking , I've never thought that script writing is hard . Because the actors made it looks so easy .

To be honest , I didn't pay full attention in class on that day . I was terribly sleepy , can't stop myself from yawning . Thanks to the huge iMac in front of me , I managed to take a short nap without Mr.Faizul noticing . Not sure if he didn't notice me or he pretend that he didn't saw me sleeping .

Anyway , he also play some short clips of the movie Ninja Assassin , the one played by Rain about these crazy ninjas killing people . I've never watch the full movie of it , so ofcourse I didn't know the real story about the movie . Well , he showed us the clip to actually explain to us on how the script should be .

One scene of the movie shouldn't be too long . True , if a scene of a same issue is going on too long , the audience will get bored and they may not wait til the end . I thought that they do it on purpose , never thought that there's a reason why they kept changing the angle and such .

We were unofficially assigned to write a 5 minutes script which is approximately 7 pages . ERK yeah , my head is fulll loads of idea . This is very challenging , but still I thought it was cheesy until I go through the script layout . I wanna cry , feed me chocolate please .

You may never want to see it , it's as complicated as the complicated maze . But that makes this assignment a challenge .

I have no idea what kind of script I'd like to write for now . I'm still watching a few good movies , that I like , hoping that I would get some inspiration . Plus , Mr.Faizul said the script has to be something that is shoot-able , suitable for our current condition . If not , I would've write about the story on Jenna & her friends , the one I wrote when I was 16 .

This is very interesting , and I'm pretty much excited as I'm about to get involve in the local film industry , eventhough as an amateur , erk wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy amateur . Nevermind , this is the phase that everybody go through , the learning process .

Hope that I'll do well :) CHEERS to FILM INDUSTRY !

AU REVOIR , XOXO ! 

Thanks but no thanks .

photo from the web

Thank you for explaining , I really appreciated it . Thank you for waking me up from my deep sleep . I just play along with your game til I realise I was really into it . But I'm alright now , I'm okay . And I don't lie about that . You don't have to make it up to me or do anything to make me feel good about it , because I'm okay . You made me realise that I'm still a human being when I still have faith in you .

I must say that I've been fooled by you because I sort of trust you , and I believe that I'm stone-cold and I won't get hurt again . But seriously I'm okay , so how do I put these in words and make you understand ? I'm done , and I don't want of this shits anymore . It's not that I'm hurting that much and the only thing I know is drug and suicide . No no , I'm not that stupid . It's just I feel slightly hurt and I don't want to get myself into trouble with another person , bonding , making a special relationship .

I'm seriously okay . I don't need someone to keep on apologizing and making thousand promise of making it up to me , I really don't .

You don't need to tell me how bad you miss me , because I know , you did because your girlfriend wasn't there for you but I was . And everytime your girlfriend ignores you , I was there to keep you company .

I know relationships , been through it a lot of times . I've learnt much til I'm hating the subject . But I'm not going to give up on it , I'm just going to give up on you . Because I had enough of you . I'm no longer your toy . I'm sorry that I got so sick of you .

But we're still friends , just friends .

You , me , ke laut .

You , me , we , no talking . 

You , me , we , lost in the sea . 

You , me , we , nobody , stranger . 

You , me , no us , awkwardness . 

It has been a while , no no not a while , a year or so .  So when we was the last time you made me smile ? Back then earlier 2010 when my smile for you is for real . Towards the end of 2010 , it wasnt even a smile . I made it up so you won't feel bad , though you don't feel a thang . I really miss who I thought you were . 

The guy who made me smile without fail , the guy who made me laugh out loud , the guy who made me lost all the words , the guy who would made me say not a word but just smile in the car while you were driving , the guy who were nice to my friends , the guy who fit in with my friends in a blink , the guy who went to the party and party as if its his friend's party , the guy who made me sing my heart out , the guy who never say NO to anything i said , the guy who will sing on my birthday , the guy who made me wants to online every single night , the guy who text me just before he sleep , the guy who crave for McD in the middle of the night , the guy who thought of me when he wants for McD , the guy who once said "Thankyou for having faith in him, Thankyou for everything, Thankyou for staying when everybody leaves, Thankyou for being so honest".

I miss the guy who means the world to me before he left for 

something big in his life . 

I really miss you that I cant stop myself from dreaming about you . 

There's this one night , where I dreamt about the both you , you and chewing gum . But , the main character of the dream was you . You were at my school , for this IU day , like we used to go . There's an explorace , erm more like the confusing garden maze . And we were too busy talking that all of our friends had left us behind . But you told me not to worry , well I wasnt convinced at first , I dont know what charm did you used , but you managed to convince me . I enjoy walking and talking , and its 9pm something . We walked hand in hand , talked about almost everything . Never get tired of listening to you or walking . And like always , our dream will never end the way we want it , the more we want to dream , the shorter the dream will be . I think about an hour after dreaming , mom woke me up . *spoilllll*

And last night dream's , I cant remember it now , but what I know , you held my hand  Hug me tightly to you , and I woke up singing Demi Cinta - Kerispatih with few drops of unpleasant tears . Adoi .

I miss you , I really do . Though I know I'll never get the old you back . 

Hello I'm a little Gatal tonight .

Tonight I shall unfold some secret of my own . I am almost 19 years old . I am a girl with lust for things . I have a dream , big one .

One ; To be successful in everything I do .

Two ; To make my family proud . 

Third ; To be merry and happy all the time . 

Fourth ; To have a a wonderful job . 

Fifth ; To be well-known ( in a good way ) .

Sixth ;  To serve my country in my own way .

Seventh ; To have a stable financial .

Eigth ; To take care of my parents .

Nineth ; To settle down with a man who deserve me .

Tenth ; To be a proud parents . 

I was born and born in a complete family . I still have both of my parents . I am always at the center . I was not rich , but I was not poor too . I did not get what I want all the time , but I sometimes get them when I behave . I was not spoilt much , I was taught to looked around from various angle . 


I must say that Im pretty much fussy , in almost everything . You know , sometimes I really want to see how my life would be in 8 years time . I'm afraid of getting married to a wrong man , and screw up my life . I dont want to make a huge mistake like that . I dont want to fall for a wrong person . I dont want to get married or date someone now , I just want to know . I need to know . 


I dont know what I'm thinking now . 8 years isn't that far from now . Hurm :( 

Broken heart quotes .

I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care, I'm not supposed to live my life wishing you were there. I'm not supposed to wonder where you are or what you're doing, but I can't help it, cause I'm in love with you.

 Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

Me, I'm scared of everything, I'm scared of who I am, what I saw, what I did, but most of all I am scared of walking out of this room and never feeling for the rest of my life, the way I feel when I'm with you.

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.

The pain of having a broken heart is not so much as to kill you, yet not so little as to let you live.

There's this place in me where your finger tips still rest... your kisses still linger and your whispers softly echo... It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.

I wonder, when you look into my eyes and watch my heart shatter, does it break your heart too, even crack it a little bit?

 I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me - I’m going to smile.

You don't realize how much you care about someone until they don't care about you.

Sometimes you think you've gotten over a person, but when you see him smile you suddenly realize you're just pretending you're over him to ease the pain of knowing that he will never be yours.

Irritated by ....

I'm still in Ipoh , and the other day , during her last visit , he left her comic at my other home , the one in Shah Alam . Totally forgot about it , til he text me . I'm still not in my best mood to see him , I'm still mad about the things that he did . I know that I shouldnt be mad for long , but you know , I've change . I want to be a better person , and to be a better person , you got to make a move , leave everything that could stop you or make you change your mind and so , behind . So thats what I did , I left everything behind . 


I feel so good , I dont have to keep lying , I dont have to keep committing sin , I dont have to do anything wrong or illegal anymore . 


I know that it's mean for me to say this , but you know , I think I know why we happen to see each other like most of the time . I was bored and you were there . It's like I'm a 5years old kid , and I'm really sick of my toys at home , so I went out to the park to play , and when I'm done playing , I'll go back and play with the toys I have at home . Same goes to our situation . I was bored and stupid , and you were there , at the wrong place and time . I am terribly sorry for playing with your feelings , call me a bitch , I just dont care . It's just a word , it wont hurt me as much as I did to you .


This might hurt you a little , but you need to know . 


First and foremost , you know the guy I told you , that I said he was my bff , the one who I kept my and his photo in my purse and handphone , he wasn't just a friend of mine . He was more than just a normal friend , best boyfriend . The guy I hang out with on your last paper of SPM . I am truly sorry he wasnt just a friend . He was one of my sweetheart . He's more important than you . If you still remember , I begged for you to celebrate my birthday together with my other friends , I wasnt begging for real , I wanted him to come , like so badly . My bad that I couldnt arrange my time wisely . I have to go out with you , with her , with him and him . I have to see 4 "love-of-my-life" , on the same day . And I ran out of time . But in the end , I managed to spent 20minutes with you , an hour with him , One and a half  hour with her and a couple hours with him . 


Thats not all , 


The day I said Im goin back to school with my classmates , movie with them and then go to my friend's party . It was another lie as well . I wasnt with my classmates all day long , he was there with me . I went to school with my classmates , movie with him and one of my friend , pre-dinner , and we hang out at my friend's house playing Xbox . We were together all day long , he was the one who sent me back . And I told you I slept early right , actually I was on the phone with him .


Few days after that , 


The night I cried badly , it wasnt because of the movie I watch on the tele , it was because of him . 


Too bad for you , Im sorry . 


There's more , 


After he went away , I kept on lying to you , I got closer to this one guy . He was my ex-es friend's . We've never went on a real date , but goin on a date with a guy that could treat me as good as him isnt important . You called me everynight , but he went online with me everysinglehour . He was the perfect guy , he's  very nice . He said nothing but only the nicest thing that I'd like to hear . 


And and , I just dont like you anymore now . Im glad that I had put a fullstop to us. So I hope that you could do the same thing too . Im not thinking about you anymore . You dont come in my dreams , this is mean , but the is for real , facts . I made a mistake , one of it is you . We can be friends til the day I die , only if you promise that you wont drool over me , Im not that yummy , you cant eat me . Im not chicken or beef . I bet you are not batak , so please get over me . And and If I dont want to get over somebody else , its my wish okayy . And and If I want to go on a date with some other guy , it is also my wish . You have no right to butt in , feel sad or whatever . I just dont like you anymore , so please dont treat me as if Im still your girlfriend , because I really feel irritated . 


Thank you . Sorry , have a good life :) 

chipsmoreeee (sebut macam ni : chhibss-moo-rayy)

I seriously dont know why is this all happening to me , Ive been good but but people treat me like shit :(
Pergi mati lah kau buat aku nak nangis :'(
Masa kau nak pergi dulu beria je aku nangis air mata darah :'(
Beria je aku dengar kau nangis :'(
Chibs betul !
Memang macam bodoh lah kan aku melayan kau ?
Aku ada boyfriend pun aku still spend time dengan kau .
Sekali kau balik buat macam ini dengan aku .
Aku taw lah kalau ye pun kita baik balik macam pelik dan mustahil , tapi agak agak lah .
Takkan dengan dia kot ?
You gotta be kidding me!
I was your dumbest cheerleader .
I think I was always there for you ,
except those time when Im already in college .
But its not that I never tried .
Tolonglah , that dumbass over me ?
Serious kelakar. Kakak kau tau tak hal ni ?
You fool . Patutlah recently kau layan aku cam haram ,
sebab dumbass tu kan ?
HELLO ! I was perfect to you before ,
and HELLO I didnt change , not even a bit .
Urghhh tensi aku dengan kau ,
bukan kau tak boleh make up your mind nak pilih course apa ,
nak pakai baju apa pun tak taw .
Fuhh fuhhh , bernafas lah sheriza kamal !

Nak nangisssssssssssssss :'(

ngo hou san foo geh .

Saya currently rasa sangat san foo . Hati tidak tenang dan tenteram . Saya tidak jumpa simcard itu . Sangat takut . Tidak dapat cuba ingat at all lor . Why lah . :'(

the gala dinner COSTUME hunting .

Eversince I became fatter than ever , I don't keep much clothes in my closet . You probably find loads of tees . The daily tees , the free tees , the merchandise tees , the band tees , the brand tees , the places tees , all sorts of TEES . I just have too many of 'em . I have to admit it that I've been a little down when it comes to trying and buying clothes this days . I hate shopping for clothes . Because the sizes had shrunk . Well , Im getting bigger too. But it seems like XL -> L , L -> M , M -> S and so . It gets smaller . Isnt it weird ? And and people are getting smaller , all of them while I get bigger .

I was at Ikano the other day , for skirt hunting and meatball session . So , I google the whole place . I googled it for real , not virtually . But I couldnt find any ! For real . And so , we go to the Curve next door . Couldnt FIND ANY as well T_T Definitely not my luck .

And then I went to Sunway Pyramid today after lunch . Again , I failed. Thought of getting a straight leg pants from Marks & Spencer , but it doesnt look that good on me . I went from shop to shop . Then , here comes Topshop . Caught my eyes on this supernice dress .

Am so into it . But so not my budget . 

This is how I imagine my look for that night if I really buy this mini dress . 

Minus the flats and bag for sure . I dont like to wear accessories . Maybe a black studded earing will do the trick . No necklace as the dress is layery , there's a texture already so a necklace is not needed . 

But at the first place I was thnking of something more like this . 

Okayy , that wasnt the right maxi skirt I want , but couldnt find any better maxi skirt on polvore.com And the blouse isnt the one that I recently bought . But it's close lah . I dont care about the bags and shoes much as the most important thing is the clothes that's gonna wrap me up .

I'm trying to beg my sister to take me to Midvalley tomorrow. Perhaps I'll find a skirt from Robinsons or any shop lah . 

Hurm thats all for tonight . Im tired . 

Nway , I am also busy looking for my mmc . I didnt misplace it  but I couldnt find it T_T I couldnt remember at alllll ! 

why is this happening to me ?

It's nothing actually , I really dont have to run around and scream like mad woman . I could just chill . lay down  and cry , blaming myself for my stupid mistake . I was a kid . How was I supposed to know that everything would turn bad and haunt me for years . I never expect this . I wish I can see the future at that time . If I do have that ability , I dont wish to know you . Youre an incurable disease . I feel sorry for myself . 

Your family hates me . And I hate you . For taking my heart away and you dont even bother to return it back to me ! Thats a mean thing to do . 

People kept asking me whether I still love you or maybe have feelings for you . My answer is I dont know because Ive been busy trying as hard as I could to avoid you . My fault I know . I started it first . Mengaku *nodding* .  I plea GUILTY your honour . But I dont want to fight with some girl over you . Not my thang baby . 

But I miss you , damnit . takyah cakap banyak about it , because I know you know . WE know . No matter how far I try to run with all the " memories " . I cant erase it . And I didnt leave you alone with all the "memories" we shared . 

hurm tah lah taktaw . nak kena berlari ke mana pulak lepas ni ? 

GOODNIGHT baby 

this lonelinesss is killing me and i dot dot dot .

I miss the us that used to sit down at McD at any hour ,

 eating a lot of fries and chat and then tell of every secret that we know . 

I miss the us that likes camwhoring much ,

and ended laughing looking at the darndest photo of us .

I miss so many things about . 

I miss the feeling of jealous I get when someone text you when we're

in the cinema . 

And now I finally know *i dont know for sure , but  I can guess* that I have no right to do all the stuff anymore and no rights to be jealous . Its all over , but Im not over it . Im happy for you , but Im unhappy for myself too . However , I wont act patheticly infront of you . But one thing I'd like you to know , you're the best guy ever . You always made my day . McD is supa dupa fun with you . And thanks for singing your heart out for me . 

more ugleh photos soon . 

Macam tett sahaja . Apa yang tett ?

Aku memang pantang kalau orang amik hak aku , aku memang tak suka kalau orang amek barang aku . Barang ke makanan ke apa ke , apa apa sahaja yang aku punya aku tak suka . Rasa irritated sangat kalau orang sentuh or take or eat without asking me first or should i say , without my permission . Seriously tak suka . 

Even if it's my air barley . I still don't like it . Mom made it for me , only me . 

So takpayah kalut minum my barley . Or you'll suffer for your whole life . 

Whats mine is mine . 

I think I know now

Being with somebody for so many years , without any relation doesn't guarantee you that he/she is going to be yours . You may think that he/she will , only time decide , but actually you're pretty sure that you're saying that just because you want to feel good . And that's good , for a short period , bad for a long term . When things between the both of you didnt work well because of that person , you'll feel crush . And hard for you to get up , because your hope is crushed . 

Im feeling that crushed feeling now . But we were once closed, we were once together, we were once separated by miles, we were once separated by your desire, we were once separated by fate, we are now separating by time and distance . You're no longer 14, 473 kilometres far from me , we're much nearer but I dont know what made us change. Wait , not us . It's you . I try as hard as I could , I try not to change too much . But it's your fault this time . I know your desire to make it work , I know , I simply know . But , I couldn't find any answer to all my question . 

I miss you , but you don't miss me that much now . I'm so eager to meet you , to see you again , but you ? I just dont want to talk about you anymore ? I am jealous . I'm letting you know now . I never tell you this , so Im telling you now . I am jealous . And I dont like it . I know they are your friends , but you never tell me about them . As if you're giving me clues about who I really am to you . 

I cant stop thinking , mom cant stop asking . She's so curious about us , dont blame her , because I'm curious too . I miss you , I still have feelings for you , I still love you  . It's almost three years now , wait ! No it's four . FOUR years . And I still feel the same about you . Never changed , not a bit . I still love you as much as I do on the day you said hello . On the day our eyes met . On the day I saw you making your signature move . On the day I saw you smile . On the day I saw you mad at me . On the day we started to be friends . On the day my heart said , this is for real . 

iloveyou

aku adalah seorang penggagal yang berjaya . betul betul betul .

Aku ini seorang penggagal ! *is there such word ?* lantak lah . Obviously . Tak ada satu benda pun aku boleh buat dengan betul . This is the kali ke berapa tah aku rasa down pasal homework/assignment . Aku tak blame siapa siapa selain diri sendiri . Aku umpama orang kurang upaya . Aku tak mampu nak buat yang terbaik , ternyata aku ini seorang leader yang tak ada ciri ciri leadership macam kakak aku . Dengan lagi empat orang pun aku tak boleh nak kerjasama and buat betul betul , just imagine , macam mana aku nak jadi chief editor kalau macam ini ? Sebab itulah aku tak suka buat kerja berkumpulan . Aku cepat rasa bersalah bila nak mengarah orang . Dalam assignment ni memang takde siapa elect aku jadi leader pun . Sendiri terhegeh hegeh nak jadi leader . Tapi aku bukan gila kuasa or whatsoever . Aku cuma nak kerja aku siap . Siap on time . Memang siap on time pun , tapi result dia macam last minute punya kerja walaupun sebenarnya kitorang dah work on it for months . Aku memang rasa sedih sebab aku tak mampu lead dorang . Aku tak blame dorang . Kesian dorang dapat leader lembik macam aku . Kalau aku ini lelaki , mesti tak layak jadi suami . Crap aku ini .

Aku imagine kerja ini jadi tiptop , tapi disebabkan beberapa kejadian yang tidak diingini , kerja ini kinda lambat habis , walaupun sebenarnya ada potensi untuk habis awal . Agak agak kalau tak lari jadual , mesti dah siap one week before submission date . And aku taktaw madam nak tak video ni esok . Aku rasa malu nak hantar . Malu nak tengok ramai ramai dengan classmate yang lain . Aku rasa nak email je kat madam and takmaw datang class psychology for ever . Nak lari jauh jauh .

Semester satu punya group presentation macam gampang , semester dua group video punya macam tah lah , tak tahu nak cakap . Semester tiga ? Aku nak beg lecturer untuk buat sendiri . Kalau tak pun aku nak pilih betul betul . Sorry kalau sesiapa terasa . Tapi I do take assignment seriously . Aku bukan anak orang kaya , yang boleh ponteng kelas , tak datang kelas , tak buat assignment . Aku anak orang sederhana . Mak tak kerja , pencen pun tarak . Bapak aku je kerja . Itu pun business , faham faham lah . Bukan semua orang business income dia stable all the time . There's up and down . Kalau nak harap kan ptptn , berapa kerat sangat lah aku dapat . Aku masuk Unisel pun sebab mak aku believe I could do well , I could excell , and be who I want to be . Aku dah kecewa kan mak aku lebih daripada bilangan jari yang aku ada untuk bilang . Aku taknak kecewakan mak aku lagi dan lagi . Cukup cukup lah trouble yang aku dah create zaman jahiliah dulu . Aku taknak ulang mistakes aku lagi .

Aku seronok tengok muka mak aku seronok masa aku bagitaw semester satu aku dekan . Takde apa yang lagi seronok dari tengok muka mak aku senyum ter-keh-keh-keh-keh . It's undescribable . Aku masuk Unisel , as batu loncatan untuk masuk Uitm , untuk buat Journalism in future sebab masa mintak diploma masscomm takdapat . Mati lah aku kalau setiap kali pun group assignment yang bunuh pointer aku . Kenapa lah aku lemah sangat  T_T . Mak , Ija mintak maaf . I did my best , tapi my best wasnt very best . I failed .

Ngerinya . Ngeri sangat bila tengok syarat kemasukan ke UITM for degree . Kena dapat cgpa 3.0 baru boleh apply , belum confirm dapat . Kena temu duga lagi . Busuk busuk pun 2.75 . Tapi kalau 2.75 , kena ada atleast pengalaman DUA TAHUN bekerja . Can you imagine ? Takdapat lah mak aku merasa gaji aku nanti . Gaji budak diploma berapa lah sangat , entah entah aku pun kena buat loan dengan mak aku nanti . Adoii hidup untuk hutang je . Dah hutang dengan kerajaan , hutang dengan mak lagi . Walaupun perjalanan jauh lagi , banyak perkara kena pikir . Kita tak boleh fikir benda secara cetek , macam budak kecik fikir nak main lari lari , langsung tak terfikir kemungkinan untuk jatuh terseradung . Aku bukan lagi budak 7tahun yang sibuk main polis entri one to jaga polis mati pencuri jaga . Aku dah jadi pra-dewasa . Aku kena fikir hala tuju hidup aku . Aku tak boleh bergantung pada mak aku macam penagih dadah yang asyik bergantung pada dadah . Aku taknak semua tu . Aku nak hidup sendiri , independently .

aku dah lama sangat rasa kecewa dengan diri sendiri . Letih nya dengan diri sendiri . Seorang penggagal yang berjaya .

i dont like this trashy feeling im feeling .

This aint a big deal . Im not fussing or going crazy over it . Its just I felt like a trash as my title says "I dont like this trashy feeling im feeling" . We were together since I was still in form 3 . Everything went smoothly . But it's always me who have this "sticking" problem . I admit that I was a bad girlfriend but haven't I make you the happiest boy ever ? Like you told me ? 

My bad for ditching you few times . My bad for taking control of everything . But it's your choice to go with my flow . You made me choose to do whatever I want . Though this might sound a little silly , but I really liked you , like really love you . And somehow I felt those 10months I spent with you was just a waste of time . Felt like being punished by you for what had happened between us before that . Not my fault when I dislike you for being so shy .

When we were together , ada je problem and sometimes I wonder why . There's one time when your mom tried to break us up . One of the reason was I'm wasting your time . Your money and all . You were the golden boyy . You're the only son , the greatest and bla bla blaaa . So everybody were expecting the best from you eventhough youre not that great . Really . 

Eishhh geram nya ! Selalu kena macam macam . All sort of weird test . Like , whyyy ? Okayy lah kalau bukan jodoh . Break normally sudah lah . And and , the way you cakap and act with your current girlfriend as if I was a total hell . Entah lah , kau cakap lah apa kau suka . Letih betul . Hampir all my relationships doesnt work out sebab family tak berapa approve . As if aku jahat sangat . Doinkk . Maybe it's the way God trying to break us apart so I could find a better person . Cut the crap sheriza kamal . Don't let boys be an insects , keeps you running away , and not focussing . How are you going to buy all your stuff if you were playing all the time and not studying SHERIZA ? Once you finish your study , your parents won't give you even a penny . You have to work for it . Ohh man , life is hard T_T . Hopefully , I'll be what I want , get what I want . 

* tiba tiba lepas marah cakap perkara yang off the topic . Selalu pun mcm tu -.-' * 

Maka dengan itu ,
aku pekak kan telinga ,
aku buta kan mata ,
Aku bisu kan mulut ,
aku cacat kan anggota ,
dari segala dusta .

biar ,
biar ,
biar jadi sejarah .

andai kata
dosa itu debu ,
maka sebuah gua
sebuah debu ?
andai kata dosa itu helaian rambut
maka jutaan helai
itu
jutaan dosa ?
andai kata
kata kata hilang
maka tangan dan kaki bekerja ?
andai kata
mata itu
jam loceng ,
maka mati lah ia
selagi aku masih mahu terus tidur .

photo from the Web

Terlalu banyak pengajaran yang tak terpelajari .

Terlalu banyak kegagalan .

Terlalu banyak kekecewaan .

Terlalu banyak kata kata tak terucap .

Terlalu banyak dendam .

Terlalu banyak balasan .

Terlalu banyak hikmah .

Terlalu banyak perit .

Terlalu banyak kejutan .

Terlalu banyak patah hati .

Terlalu banyak penghinaan .

Terlalu banyak ketidakpuasan .

Terlalu banyak pecah amanah .

Terlalu banyak kemungkaran .

Terlalu banyak janji kosong .

Terlalu banyak pembohongan .

Terlalu banyak rahsia .

Terlalu banyak keegoan .

Terlalu banyak pembisuan .

Terlalu banyak terlalu banyak .

down down down , bukan jay sean

Rasa sangat down lepas news tu , tak boleh nak concentrate on assignmnts at all . Tak boleh nak senyum pun . Muka serious bebeh . Rasa macam letih dengan surrounding yang macam haktuihh ni . Tapi entahlah . 2010 , youre a bad year . 

Slmt malam , nak tengok another episode of Marry Me Mary then Im off to bed . 

the ugly truth/assumption

I dont know if this is real, but it sounds real enough that I dont have to trust my eyes on this . *oh wait , i got this news from my fb inbox . So basically i read it with my eyes . so , err does it means I have to trust my eyes on this as well ?* Okayy whatever it is , I mean , I read about this , thats how i got the news , I didnt saw what happened . GGGRRR  . 

I found out that one of my good friend is gay . To be honest , Im fine with somebody else being gay , but not HIM ! He's my friend and he seems straight enough and nice . On the other hand , the other guy who is expected to be his partner is somehow gay . No doubt . I dont know if I should trust him or the news . The thing is im still waiting for my friends to ask him about this . Well , who would ever want to admit that he's gay , except for that guy who confessed and post the video on youtube.com . Even I dont know thats for real or if he's just bullshiting around . I dont know . 

I had enough of this homo thing . I dont anti this people but I really dont want to be close to them . Theyre fine , but theyre not my ideal friends , no matter how nice they were . I myself had commit alot of sin , and i dont want to be a part of his sins . Back then in Ipoh , I was always told that this friend of mine *another guy from my town* is gay . Everybody kept telling me that thing . I refused to take it as a fact , but somehow I learnt to believe the rumours . Maybe its true in a way or so . But I trust him , he told me NO . SO I take that NO as a NO ! Means I dont think he's gay . But whenever I got upset with him , I'll accidentally have this thought " HE'S GAY ! Thats why he's bullshitting me. " 

Entah lah , when I was in high school , Im surrounded by homos , theyre everywhere in my school . I could still accept lesbo , but not gay . Because guys are meant to be the women's saviour . Theyre supposed to be strong and protective , but how could he protect a women when he's falling for a guy ? Thats absurd ! 

If only

If only I listened to my mom before . I wouldnt screw up my life . I should never go on a date . I've never know how she felt and I've never bother to ask too . Now Im feeling bad . I can't go over and ask her how did she feels about me when I know Im one of her biggest mistake after whoever it is lah . I couldnt ask , I felt bad enough . But I couldnt be nice though . I couldnt put my ego aside even it's for mom . It's not that I dont love her , it's just that Im too selfish . I dont want to hurt my unvaluable pride over admitting my own crime .

If only I could turn back time . Many people said this , so  that they could fix things up . But I wont wish to turn back time anymore . I wish I could change sooner than ever . So that I wont dissapoint her . However I almost did by not studying for my final exam last semester . But thank god I nailed it . Though it wasnt excellent , but I did fine . But fine wont make her the happiest mother . I want to do best . So she could be proud of me . Me taking this course is a little pain . Not much people who understands the passion you have when you love to write , when you love to dig up stories and share it with people . When you have the needs to express yourself without anything to stop you . It is hard to find people who truly understands you , and are willing to keep their mouth shut about you .

I wish the demon in me could go to hell . I know this is the result of me not practising my religion's practise . I didnt perform solah . I'm admitting my crime , the reason why soul isnt at peace . I dont know what to do . I couldnt ask my mom , I would burst if I did . I dont like to hear her nagging . My god , Im a sinner . Let me have my time to repent . I hope it wont take much time . Im afraid it's too late .

When I think of her age , Im afraid I might lose her soon enough . Im certainly not ready for such thing , I know I should be grateful I still have her . I realised and certainly are aware of most things , but I still couldnt be good and make things right . I like it when my mother arrange my financial thing , because its not my thing . I dont mind spending on things my mom would like , though she would definitely spend the money on me first . But money is nothing when I have my mom . I am a lazy bump . I know mom is tired of doing all the chores .  But I like to wear the clothes mom folds for me , the clothes she wash , the ones she hang , the one she picked for me when we went shopping . I like the fact that I can talk to my mother like my own friend though she is against my thought like most of the times . She is a lady with lots of patience in her , she dont rush for things , while I just cant wait . I like the fact that sometimes she tried to make me use the ruler when I simply like to underline things without ruler. I like it when she forced me to speak in English , when I hate it much because I dont feel I could fit in with the girls at school because they dont speak English  and because people always put on labels to those who speaks in English . There was this time when Im very poor in Bahasa Melayu . Til my Bm teacher makes fun of me by saying "Kamu dah tak reti cakap bahasa melayu? Bm kamu teruk." . I tried to balance it up , but then I hate English . I prefer Indians and Chinese friends , but still I have to make Malay friends too because I have to go to Pendidikan Islam's class . Im not being bias or going against my race but I couldnt understand the fact that why do people tend to label others by the language a person speak .

I wish I did well in UPSR , I wish my mom be a little hard on me , but that's not the way . She would never hit us , not just us , anybody . I know her dissapointment towards me . I was excellent in maths , once . But now , my maths is as bad as I've never learnt any before . But her faith towards me are forever . I'm feeling sad , truly am . She somehow let me befriends with guys and opens up the world for me . She gave a little guide , and let me explore the rest on my own . She trusted me , but I betrayed that too . But she never lose hope on me . I'm sorry for being such a bad kid . But she dont mind that , because she believed that I will feel remorse and try not to repeat it again . She wants me to taste the bitterness of the coffee without sugar , and learnt to add sugar to my own cup of coffee . And I did learnt it that way . Thank god my mistake wasnt too big and I wasnt in it for too long . I'm selfish .

When I was young, much younger than now . I bet I was 15 that time , I'm very curious about almost everything . I always wanted to try new things . I just couldnt care about how many no's I got from mom . I sometimes lied to her , go on a date behind her back . I lied to her about some school activities , but ended up going to the mall with a boy whom I like very much . I was pretty , they say . At that time , I was young , still quite fair and thin . I certainly can find any boys and I did . I flirt with so many boys , and I felt so stupid now when I think it over and over again . I was on top of the world when so many boys came up to me , texting me , asking for my number , stealing my number from my friends . But that leads to nowhere . I'm a total fool . But Im glad mom didnt put any wall in front of me , I then learnt from my silly mistake . And at that particular time , I finally realised that I should study well . I should be smart too . So that people wont be easy on me . They wont look down on me . I managed to score , but not excellent . I got 3A's , 2B's , 3C's .

Then , during my form 4 days . I started well , but I lose my focus when I got dumped and feeling sad . I had forgotten about my mom for a whle . I forgot the reason why I went to school and study . I forgot everything and I regret it , til its almost too late . During my final schooling days , I realised again that I need to push myself , but again , I took myself and mom for granted . I always came to my senses when its almost too late .  I didnt do well , but mom wasnt that upset as usual . She nag , but only for a while . But she was devastated when I didnt a place in a local government university . Well she wasnt the only one who is upset . I am too . I wanted to go to UIA , so that I could be a better daughter for her , a daughter worth giving birth to . But I break her heart into pieces . In fact I didnt get into any of the government university , but still she didnt give up on me . She still stand up for me even when dad had forced me to do something I dont like . Father forced me to re-appeal and apply another course , he was going to ask my aunt to help me with my application . But it wasnt a right thing to do , and I dont have any interest in what he wants me to do . I owe mom a lot .

I am sorry mom , truly am . Though my mom couldnt read this because I never taught her how to open and read up my blog and to never google about me :D But I just hope anybody who reads this will start to think twice of your reason for living and your mistakes . It is never too late to change , it is better late than never as well . I really hope you will try to improve yourself , you dont get the chance to be with your mom or maybe dad twice . They appear only once in your life , so make the most out of it . Let all the time spent is worth living and spendng . Try to make things right and make them happy as much as you want to be happy too .
Much love for my mom and dear readers <3

This song is for my mom , this is one of her favourite , mine as well . You are my everything by The Stylistic .

Goodnight .