Saturday, December 25, 2010

If only

If only I listened to my mom before . I wouldnt screw up my life . I should never go on a date . I've never know how she felt and I've never bother to ask too . Now Im feeling bad . I can't go over and ask her how did she feels about me when I know Im one of her biggest mistake after whoever it is lah . I couldnt ask , I felt bad enough . But I couldnt be nice though . I couldnt put my ego aside even it's for mom . It's not that I dont love her , it's just that Im too selfish . I dont want to hurt my unvaluable pride over admitting my own crime .

If only I could turn back time . Many people said this , so  that they could fix things up . But I wont wish to turn back time anymore . I wish I could change sooner than ever . So that I wont dissapoint her . However I almost did by not studying for my final exam last semester . But thank god I nailed it . Though it wasnt excellent , but I did fine . But fine wont make her the happiest mother . I want to do best . So she could be proud of me . Me taking this course is a little pain . Not much people who understands the passion you have when you love to write , when you love to dig up stories and share it with people . When you have the needs to express yourself without anything to stop you . It is hard to find people who truly understands you , and are willing to keep their mouth shut about you .

I wish the demon in me could go to hell . I know this is the result of me not practising my religion's practise . I didnt perform solah . I'm admitting my crime , the reason why soul isnt at peace . I dont know what to do . I couldnt ask my mom , I would burst if I did . I dont like to hear her nagging . My god , Im a sinner . Let me have my time to repent . I hope it wont take much time . Im afraid it's too late .

When I think of her age , Im afraid I might lose her soon enough . Im certainly not ready for such thing , I know I should be grateful I still have her . I realised and certainly are aware of most things , but I still couldnt be good and make things right . I like it when my mother arrange my financial thing , because its not my thing . I dont mind spending on things my mom would like , though she would definitely spend the money on me first . But money is nothing when I have my mom . I am a lazy bump . I know mom is tired of doing all the chores .  But I like to wear the clothes mom folds for me , the clothes she wash , the ones she hang , the one she picked for me when we went shopping . I like the fact that I can talk to my mother like my own friend though she is against my thought like most of the times . She is a lady with lots of patience in her , she dont rush for things , while I just cant wait . I like the fact that sometimes she tried to make me use the ruler when I simply like to underline things without ruler. I like it when she forced me to speak in English , when I hate it much because I dont feel I could fit in with the girls at school because they dont speak English  and because people always put on labels to those who speaks in English . There was this time when Im very poor in Bahasa Melayu . Til my Bm teacher makes fun of me by saying "Kamu dah tak reti cakap bahasa melayu? Bm kamu teruk." . I tried to balance it up , but then I hate English . I prefer Indians and Chinese friends , but still I have to make Malay friends too because I have to go to Pendidikan Islam's class . Im not being bias or going against my race but I couldnt understand the fact that why do people tend to label others by the language a person speak .

I wish I did well in UPSR , I wish my mom be a little hard on me , but that's not the way . She would never hit us , not just us , anybody . I know her dissapointment towards me . I was excellent in maths , once . But now , my maths is as bad as I've never learnt any before . But her faith towards me are forever . I'm feeling sad , truly am . She somehow let me befriends with guys and opens up the world for me . She gave a little guide , and let me explore the rest on my own . She trusted me , but I betrayed that too . But she never lose hope on me . I'm sorry for being such a bad kid . But she dont mind that , because she believed that I will feel remorse and try not to repeat it again . She wants me to taste the bitterness of the coffee without sugar , and learnt to add sugar to my own cup of coffee . And I did learnt it that way . Thank god my mistake wasnt too big and I wasnt in it for too long . I'm selfish .

When I was young, much younger than now . I bet I was 15 that time , I'm very curious about almost everything . I always wanted to try new things . I just couldnt care about how many no's I got from mom . I sometimes lied to her , go on a date behind her back . I lied to her about some school activities , but ended up going to the mall with a boy whom I like very much . I was pretty , they say . At that time , I was young , still quite fair and thin . I certainly can find any boys and I did . I flirt with so many boys , and I felt so stupid now when I think it over and over again . I was on top of the world when so many boys came up to me , texting me , asking for my number , stealing my number from my friends . But that leads to nowhere . I'm a total fool . But Im glad mom didnt put any wall in front of me , I then learnt from my silly mistake . And at that particular time , I finally realised that I should study well . I should be smart too . So that people wont be easy on me . They wont look down on me . I managed to score , but not excellent . I got 3A's , 2B's , 3C's .

Then , during my form 4 days . I started well , but I lose my focus when I got dumped and feeling sad . I had forgotten about my mom for a whle . I forgot the reason why I went to school and study . I forgot everything and I regret it , til its almost too late . During my final schooling days , I realised again that I need to push myself , but again , I took myself and mom for granted . I always came to my senses when its almost too late .  I didnt do well , but mom wasnt that upset as usual . She nag , but only for a while . But she was devastated when I didnt a place in a local government university . Well she wasnt the only one who is upset . I am too . I wanted to go to UIA , so that I could be a better daughter for her , a daughter worth giving birth to . But I break her heart into pieces . In fact I didnt get into any of the government university , but still she didnt give up on me . She still stand up for me even when dad had forced me to do something I dont like . Father forced me to re-appeal and apply another course , he was going to ask my aunt to help me with my application . But it wasnt a right thing to do , and I dont have any interest in what he wants me to do . I owe mom a lot .

I am sorry mom , truly am . Though my mom couldnt read this because I never taught her how to open and read up my blog and to never google about me :D But I just hope anybody who reads this will start to think twice of your reason for living and your mistakes . It is never too late to change , it is better late than never as well . I really hope you will try to improve yourself , you dont get the chance to be with your mom or maybe dad twice . They appear only once in your life , so make the most out of it . Let all the time spent is worth living and spendng . Try to make things right and make them happy as much as you want to be happy too .
Much love for my mom and dear readers <3

This song is for my mom , this is one of her favourite , mine as well . You are my everything by The Stylistic .

Goodnight .

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